Out My Window 2: Paper Snowflakes

I have a black, hardcover journal from the days before my son got his autism diagnosis.  It's where I'd write what he'd eaten that day, how many tantrums, how much head-on-hardwood banging, how few hours of sleep.  Words that came and words that went away for good.  It is pocked with asterisks and exclamations and mostly question marks; a scabby scrawl bumping over rippled pages.

I can barely open the thing now for fear of the sorrow that will leak out.  

I know, though, that tucked inside is a folded paper snowflake.  It was the last one I cut that December, the one that made me draw an astonished breath at order and beauty perfectly manifest on a sheet of cheap computer paper.  It was effortless, and it was a promise.  Even I could see that.

I'm ashamed to admit that Christmas gets a little harder every year for me. I have a hard time shaking off the year's accumulation of injustice and disappointment, even though I believe those things are not the end of the story.  Advent requires some deliberate measures, and now I have a strategy:  I defiantly make paper snowflakes, as a reminder to myself that random cuts unfold into effortless beauty.

At least on paper.

*****

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!

(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882), 1867)

Comments

[FSMichaels]

Beautiful Rene - wishing you much peace this season -

[Elaine]

Words as true and lovely about life, sorrow, beauty and Advent as I've ever read. Thank you.

I do believe the most beautiful things come from random, effortless, honest acts. Love is usually involved, too.

I'll echo FSMichaels and wish you much peace.

[sweetsalty kate]

I need some snowflakes in my life right now. I need effortlessness and a promise and something pretty despite accumulation. I'll make some and I'll think of you, sweet you.
xo

[leel]

i relate, in my own way. the easy escape of cutting paper away to leave pattern and form. you inspired me so much. thank you for that. and sharing your words here. peace and love to you and yours :)

[sinisterdaisy]

Funny how comfort and hope come in the simplest and unexpected places sometimes. And courage too. Wishing you all of those...

[Jett]

Oh man, how I love you and am so glad that the Universe saw fit to show me your words, your heart.

Blessings to you and your household in the coming year.

[schmutzie]

This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/12/31/five-star-fridays-132nd-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-patti-s.html