Our Daily (angry) Birds: 47

I know that Our Daily Bird is one of the most popular parts of The Hedge Society but I just need to come out and say it, not all of us are fond of birds. Despite being 6'4" tall and large enough to play the defensive line in football, birds freak me out. They swoop, they have scales, they eat worms, they lay eggs... my dog is even bred to hunt them. Whatever the reason, I may or may not be afraid of them as well. Every time I think I am over it I end up jumping in my brother's lap because a bird came to close to our table.

It's not all my fault. The birds can't all be trusted. Look at the bird lobby and their special interest groups in Washington.  They even got a bird onto Sesame Street and look at the trouble him and his "imaginary" friend Mr. Snuffleupagus cause. Not all birds are nice. Like these ones below.

Genus Aves Iratus (Angry Birds)

Years ago while in Toronto to see the Barenaked Ladies in concert, I wandered into a Second Cup for a coffee when I made a near fatal mistake and ordered a crumbly muffin. As I stepped outside, I was immediately surrounded by sparrows. Keeping my cool, I told myself if this gets bad, I can probably take them and I casually kept eating my crumbly muffin. Then out of nowhere, a one-legged seagull came swooping down and landed awkwardly on one leg before falling over (like I said, he only had one leg). He gave out a call and then there were hundreds (it was more like millions) of seagulls landing all around me and all wanting a piece of my crumbly muffin.  

There are a lot of stories about what happened next but I did what any normal person who had a deathly fear of birds would do; I threw my crumbly muffin as far as I could in one direction, tossed my coffee on the one-legged seagull, and then ran as fast as I could the other way, ignoring the laughter of my wife and about 50 strangers.

I hate birds. Why can't this site celebrate something less evil like Beagles?

Comments

[Elaine]

Oh, Jordan. I'm reading today's posts in reverse order & at this moment, I'm -- figuratively speaking -- ROTFLMAO.

I like birds with attitude (remember, I have a terrier) so, well .... "kamakaze" bird actually appeals to me. And "glass jaw", oh come on, definition of cute.